This, or none
by StopBreathe
Summary: 713 Don't Deceive Me Please Don't Go – the in between: Yesterday all Arizona dreamed of was re-starting her life with Callie, planning their family, their future. Today she's confronting emotional betrayal and her biggest insecurity head on. What does it take for her to get from point A to Z? Or who does it take?


**A/N:** A very grateful thank you to **Librarynerd** for using her tremendous super power to beta this story, and to the creative and imaginative **2damnpretty2die **for visualizing it so beautifully on the cover.

This story is for **Donteatblue**, a wonderful and dear friend, who asked me to write it for her because she thought I could, gave me the confidence I lacked to do it and helped me to iron out the creases in it. Thank you so much, Lovely.

**Blue's prompt:  
**_"What happened between Callie's hormone casserole break down and Arizona's 'we are together' moment? I would like to think Mark had a mature moment and talked to Arizona."_

**Disclaimer**: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use.

* * *

Being paged to a fetal medicine exam room by a panicked, inconsolable Callie was not the image Arizona played out in her mind of how her own first day as a mother would begin, especially when the experience had to be shared with the baby daddy and a freaked out girlfriend - was she even her girlfriend? - during a very awkward uncomfortable reunion. After her own soul searching and admission to Callie that she really wanted kids, Arizona had developed a rather romantic dream of how they would create their family. It involved buying a house, carefully choosing a donor, peeing on a stick, and sharing that first flush of excitement the moment it said 'pregnant'.

Never had she imagined that she and Callie could split up. Not during any stage of that dream would Callie be sleeping with a man to get pregnant. And the baby daddy in her dreams came from a 3-ring binder and a cup. It most certainly did not come in the form of one dangerously fertile Mark Sloan.

But Africa happened and the normally detached, put-together Arizona discovered that there really is no benching emotions and feelings. They can't be put in a box with the rest of her stuff, packed away in a warehouse for three years while she completed her Carter Madison Grant obligations. They escaped and suddenly she found herself weeping uncharacteristicallyover sick Malawian children and realizing that she had just made the biggest mistake of her life.

Twice now she'd been paged down to fetal medicine, as Callie remained convinced that the baby was in some mortal danger. Still tired from crying all night, Arizona's brain was working in over-drive trying to make sense of how she went from begging Callie to take her back to a mother of Mark's unborn child in the space of twenty-four hours. As she stood at the nurses station trying hard to come to terms with this, her mind wasn't on the patient whose chart she was perusing and having realized the returning attending clearly had something on her mind, the nurses were keeping their distance.

"On call room three. Now," a deep voice barked from behind her, causing Arizona to jump and flip her head around, immediately meeting the steely angry face of Mark. Instantly on the defensive, confident she hadn't done anything in the past few hours to warrant such anger, she closed her eyes, pursed her lips together, took a deep breath, and turned back to the chart.

"NOW, Robbins. You and I need to talk." This time his voice had a desperate air she hadn't heard before. Although not a violent man normally, right at this moment, Mark was quite prepared to drag the peds surgeon into the on call room if needed. He was so acutely aware of the vulnerable state his best friend was in that he needed to reassure himself that Arizona would go the distance with this.

Callie's hormone casserole worried him. He'd been through a lot with the brunette. He'd picked up the pieces after Erica abandoned her in the hospital parking lot. He'd consoled the tears when she broke up with Arizona over babies and he'd been right by her side for the last two months since Arizona bolted. But even considering the life-long consequences of their own recent actions in creating a child, Callie was beyond distraught in a way he'd never seen. Yes, it worried him.

Reluctant to spend any time with the man who had suddenly and permanently crowbarred his way into her life, Arizona felt like telling him to take a long walk off a short pier, but even she could tell that something had happened. She reluctantly handed the chart back to one of the nurses who'd emerged from nowhere to see what the fuss was about and followed Mark down the corridor.

The room was quickly vacated as Mark continued his bark at a sleepy intern, threatening him with scut for the next month and turning it to three when the intern hesitated for more than a second.

"Are you in or not?" The normally laid back plastic surgeon was red faced and anxious.

Arizona was immediately taken back by his appearance and baffled by the question. "What?"

Slowing his words down, breathing out, he said, "I asked if you're in or not."

Realising she and Callie were the topic of discussion, Arizona answered in a clipped tone, "That's none of your damn business, Mark." She was not going down this road with Mark of all people. Stepping around him, she went to leave the room.

Mark immediately blocked her exit, moving in front of the door. "It _**is **_my business. The moment Callie became pregnant with _**my**_ child, it became my business … and I want to know if the mother of my child is gonna spend her entire pregnancy, her entire life, terrified, scared, sobbing on my shoulder because … because at any moment, her runawaygirlfriend is gonna find a reason to bail. So I'm asking: are you in or not?"

For the second time in the space of less than 6 hours, Arizona was being forced into life decisions she couldn't possibly have fabricated in her own mind. Yesterday, all she wanted was to start her life again with Callie. That was it. Restart their future. PLAN their family. Yes, she made a mistake, but she was the better for it. Maybe Callie didn't know that yet, couldn't see it yet, but she would soon. Arizona would make sure of it. But wrapped up as she had been in her own moment of self-awareness, she hadn't even considered that Callie had moved on or tried to forget her or … whatever Callie had done. And in the blink of an eye, both she and Mark were demanding an answer to a question on things she had no control over. Suddenly the stress and exhaustion was overwhelming. Her legs became jelly as she slumped down on the bed physically and emotionally defeated.

Raising her pained eyes, before she knew what she was saying, the words, "I love her, Mark," spilled from her. Her mind was now so confused and overcome by the weight of the decision she had to make and the fact that Callie had clearly just had a melt down over her with Mark that she simply could not keep that fact from him.

Mark had heard those same words before not so long ago, spoken with the same soft helpless certainty. He dipped his head to the side. His eyes met Arizona's in a look of empathy.

Sitting down on the bed next to her, Mark softened his tone, realizing he had left one hormone casserole upstairs only to enter a different kind of emotional crock pot with Arizona. "But what does that mean, Robbins? Do you love her enough to go the distance? She needs to know. Hell, I need to know. Are you in this?" All the way keeping his voice low and gentle as he could see that Arizona was holding on tight, using the same control she exhibited when talking down emotional upset parents to hold in her feelings.

"It's not that simple …" Tears were not far away and though she could tell him she loved Callie, hell would freeze over before she'd let Mark Sloan see tears.

"It is _that_ simple." Whatever happened here, Mark was not going to let her get away with thinking this was anything more than a simple all or nothing. "There is no halfway here, Robbins. There's a kid involved. You have to make a decision. Bail now or don't bail at all." Simple did not mean easy. He knew this wouldn't be easy, but it was a straightforward choice.

He needed more from her if he was to get anywhere, but he wasn't an idiot. This was obviously not a situation she, or, hell, anyone, would have anticipated returning to, whatever the circumstances of her departure. He could be crass at times, but Mark Sloan was not as insensitive as was often assumed. An assumption he allowed people to indulge for his own protection. Probing further, he decided to go a different way. "You and Callie wanted a baby. This is what you both wanted."

"This is NOT what I wanted …" Snapping angrily, Arizona quickly qualified that statement as the pain in her throat from withholding the damn tears forced her voice to weaken, becoming almost inaudible "I mean, not how I thought things would go. Things would be … when I said yes to a baby, this is not what I saw." Almost forgetting she was talking to Mark, she said, "I love her. I do. I love her so much that my chest hurts and I can't breathe when I think of her and what I gave up … and I really want a family with her. I want that so desperately. If I learned anything from walking away, from choosing Africa, it's that she's it for me. Us, as a family. But I nee … I need some time. I just need time …"

"Callie doesn't have time, Robbins …" Mark interrupted Arizona's ramble. He could see she was withdrawing, looking down, almost talking just to herself.

Aware that his friend downstairs was going through turmoil at the most vulnerable stage of pregnancy, he couldn't let Callie's fear over Arizona threaten the baby. But this was not a situation that Mark had any clue how to deal with. It was bad enough that he had his own girlfriend to confront. "This kid is coming, whether you like it or not".

Lifting her head, Arizona's eyes were shining in grief. She had to say it. If she didn't, it would take her under. She made eye contact quietly. "She slept with YOU, Mark. She slept with you." He'd seen that look before. He'd caused that look before. What was it? Devastation? Agony? Despair? Breaking eye contact, he faced forward, admitting to himself that he did not regret his part in this. His heart was perpetually heavy with guilt knowing he'd regretted another unintended life and in doing so he'd let his daughter and grandson down so badly. No, he could never regret another child, but that didn't mean he was happy that his best friend's lover was in pain.

"Yes. She did. I did." What else was he supposed to say? This was a situation he was both familiar with and almost ashamed of. His life had become a sequence of thoughtless incidents. Callie may have come on to him that first night, but letting it happen the way it did just cemented his immaturity to the rest of the world. And here was one more enormous act of irresponsibility he would have to explain to Lexie. "There's nothing I can do about that now." And by the look on her face, Mark realized that this pain might never go away for her.

Not wanting the blonde to dwell further on his own actions, he refocused. "This …," he said, pointing down as if the baby were in the room with them, "right now, is not even about that. It's not about you or me. You know that, right?" His face got more determined. "It's about this kid."

Before Arizona could interrupt, he continued on a roll "You think this is what I wanted? I want a kid. I want a family. I didn't want an unplanned pregnancy with my "heartbroken-for-someone-else" best friend. That's not what I wanted. But I know, without any doubt, I want this kid. I'm a dad. That's the choice I'm making. And I want Callie to be happy. She deserves to be h …"

Arizona erupted before Mark could finish. He was right. This wasn't about him. "Do you think this is easy on me? Do you think I'm not worried, confused beyond belief?" Jumping up without taking a breath, she continued, half imitating Callie, "Oh, Arizona, by the way, while you were gone, I got myself pregnant with Mark's baby and I want you to raise it with me." She started to ramble, "No warm up. No easing me in. No planning"

She was pacing now and Mark could see the panic raging within her. _So this is how it is_, he thought to himself. Arizona couldn't look at him "Just there it is, in or out, no time for me to think this through, to get used to the idea, no moment even to catch my breath …"

Defenses down, her admission through a lack of those words sealed her total humiliation over this situation. Grabbing her hand to force her to stop pacing and look him in the eyes, he articulated them for her. "I know you're scared." Holding her gaze, he could see he'd guessed correctly. "What! No … that's not …" Half-heartedly, Arizona tried to pull away, attempting to deny it, but Mark was wise to that.

He could remember the couple's last reunion, the one after Callie skipped the necessary steps in their relationship. He was the one who had to talk a paranoid Callie through asking Arizona to move in. The brunette was terrified that by doing so she would scare off her girlfriend. Shortly after the shooting one night at Joe's, Callie had explained the blonde's reluctance to have children: an otherwise confident, successful pediatric surgeon, who clearly had rapport and empathy with her tiny patients, had a crippling anxiety about becoming a mother.

He gently pulled on her arm, forcing her to sit. "Me, too." What the hell? "I'm terrified. What if I fuck this up? What do I know about being a dad?" This was met with silence as Arizona turned to stare at him. "You're meant to say, 'you'll make a great dad, Mark.'" The awkward silence continued.

Realising that such reassurance would, unsurprisingly, not be forthcoming, but knowing that he did at least have Arizona's attention, Mark carried on, "You and I may be scared of being parents, but Callie isn't. Not at all. Sure, she's scared that she's lost this baby or that the baby doesn't exist or that she's gonna harm the baby. That's normal for any newly pregnant mom. But she _is_ terrified of something else. And it's swallowing her up." Arizona dropped her head, guessing what was coming next.

"She's terrified you won't be there with her, that you say you're in, but leave." She remained silent as he continued, "She's terrified of a life without you and at the same time terrified of a life with you, living with the fear that you'll leave."

Arizona put her hands on her knees and looked up at him. This was the most she'd ever heard Mark Sloan say at once and though her own crushing insecurities about the two of them had been reinforced so emphatically, she could see in his eyes that he was genuinely standing right next to Callie at this moment and wasn't going to let her do this alone. "What choice are you making, Robbins?"

Did she have a choice? The confusion that plagued her mind earlier was starting to clear as she realized that this was not about choice and it really didn't need to be about fear. Callie, with all her nurturing maternal instincts, would be the one to help her face her fear. And she'd already made her choice the moment she fell apart in a small Malawian village and understood finally that Callie was her future. This baby was part of Callie and therefore a part of her. Suddenly, Arizona felt like she could breathe again.

The only choice she had was figuring out how to remove Callie's anxietyby reassuring her girlfriend in the quickest way possible that she was never going to bail.

"I'm in," Arizona repeated the words she'd said to Callie this morning, this time staring at Mark. She stood up, straightened out her lab coat, and made one more point, desperate to bring back some of the control she'd lost in this conversation. "Don't ever doubt me again."

Mark smiled to himself and though he loved being right, the relief he felt overwhelmed his ego. As much as he could support Callie through all this, and he would without hesitation, he knew that that was just about her survival. For his best friend to live, she needed Arizona.

Just as the peds surgeon made to leave, he remembered the outcome of Callie's last meltdown. "Fields has arranged a high resolution, transvaginal scan at four o'clock."

She opened the door. "Fine. I'll be there." If this is what Callie's neurosis needed, then Arizona would support her to hell and back.

* * *

The baby was barely eight weeks and there was a heartbeat. As a pediatric surgeon, Arizona had seen literally hundreds of prenatal scans. She'd listened to all the heartbeats. She'd watched parents break down in joy at hearing it and desolation when they realize there wasn't one. But never had she thought of how she might feel on hearing it from the womb of the woman she loved. She'd been unable to do anything productive since. Lucy had offered each of the parents a sonogram photo and finally shooed them away. After agreeing to meet Callie at her apartment for dinner, Arizona had fled the room, unable to contain her feelings any longer. Running into the attendings' lounge, she finally broke down. Pacing the room frantically, wiping the endless stream of tears from her face with one hand, the other grasped the photo tightly. Every few seconds she would stop and stare at the photo, and let out a half laugh half cry and pace again. This was a baby. Callie's baby. Her baby.

Realising she had agreed a quick catch-up with Teddy before she left for home, she washed her face and reapplied the little make-up she usually wore and plonked herself down on the sofa, coffee in hand, and continued to stare at the photo.

* * *

"Why, Teddy? Why did she have to sleep with Mark?" They'd been sitting, talking for a few minutes in the lounge, hugging cups of stale coffee, both of them almost crying with laughter during Teddy's account of the Cristina versus Avery competition, never once doubting that Cristina could have a truly devious persona when she tried. But a lull in the conversation turned into a loaded silence as Teddy realized the immense day Arizona was having. Arizona finally broke the silence to Teddy's relief

"My guess? Because he was there. It could've been anyone."

"Wait. You expect me to believe that with their history it was a random hookup? Come on." No one would believe that surely. Arizona was still coming to terms with the fact that Callie had sought comfort not only in the arms of a man, but with arms belonging to Mark Sloan. She looked down at the photo she had yet to relinquish, even to Teddy.

Teddy bent low to force eye contact. "Look, I don't know where or how those two hooked up. I mean, I can guess, but … Arizona …" Forcing Arizona to look up, she continued, "I saw the state she was in when you left. The night Derek got the trial grant, we all went out to celebrate. Well, I had a date, but … anyway … it was a couple weeks after you left, the night Cristina became a bartender …"

"What?" She flipped her head away from the sonogram back to Teddy.

Arizona had heard something vague about this, but hadn't really paid attention given her objective lately was solely winning Callie back.

Waving her hand, Teddy rolled her eyes. "Story for later. Anyway, Callie … she'd had a few drinks and she asked after you. Did you talk about her?, etc. She wanted to know. I didn't know what to say. I had nothing to say." Teddy could see Arizona's shoulders drop as a indescribable sadness overwhelmed her face. "I tried to say she was an idiot for not chasing after you, but she was devastated. Mark could see it. Even a very drunk Bailey could see it."

Arizona raised her eyebrows again. Even midst such a wretched conversation, everyone knew that a very drunk Bailey equaled much entertainment. Teddy waved a second time. "Later. I could see it in her eyes, Arizona." She dropped her voice, catching Arizona's eye. "You're the love of her life." The tears which fell only 30 minutes before were in danger of falling again and Arizona had lost any hope of keeping them under her normally strict control.

After seeing her friend acknowledge this by closing her eyes for a second, Teddy continued,"Then Mark pointed out a cute red head looking her way and … well … Callie bit." She didn't get to continue as Arizona jumped up and started to pace again. The knuckles on her right hand were almost white as she held on to the photo tightly. "So what? You're saying she slept with a woman, too, that Mark was setting her up …"

Teddy shook her head almost, but not quite, laughing. Now was not the time. "No. Wrong signals. Clearly Mark Sloan has no gaydar. I'm saying that Mark was being a good friend." Arizona stopped pacing and glared at Teddy. A look which said 'You have to be kidding, right?' "Yes, he was being a good friend and in that situation, the only way he knows how, and Callie … well, Callie needed to get you out of her head."

Arizona sighed. Deep down, she knew this was how it was. Teddy could feel that Arizona was listening, so she carried on. "That's no excuse for stupidity and it's not the only stupid thing that was done that night …" Arizona raised her eyebrows again as Teddy's cheeks and neck slowly changed colour, recalling in her head her vivid drunken description of dating internet men who live with their mothers to Meredith Grey.

Arizona was not going to let this one go. "Clearly, there's a lot more you need to tell me about that night, Dr. Altman." A drunk Bailey, Cristina tending bar, and, judging by her complexion, a Teddy dating disaster. Arizona had some catching up to do.

Ignoring the comment with an embarrassed cough, Teddy attempted to bring the conversation back. "That's how those two deal and apparently always the way they deal." Teddy had dated Mark; she'd heard the rumours and the on call room stories of Torres and Sloan. It had drifted into folklore. "It's no excuse for stupidity," she repeated, immediately thinking that it wasn't an excuse for not wearing a condom, though she kept that to herself. "It doesn't make it right. Actually, it doesn't make it wrong either."

Having continued to pace, Arizona was brought to a stop again. "Wait, whose side are you on?" Arizona asked indignantly. Teddy, who could feel the frustration seeping out of her friend, ploughed on.

"But it is an explanation. Callie loves you." Arizona had stopped pacing again. This time she fell back onto the sofa. She turned her head to Teddy who immediately saw a profound look of vulnerability in her friend's eyes.

Arizona choked back a sob which threatened to escape. Teddy was now very sure that Arizona was listening "Of that, I have no doubt, nor does anyone in this hospital, including Mark." Realizing she had to say this quickly, she added, "and yes, if you want Callie you now have to take Mark as the baby daddy." Arizona rolled her eyes. Recalling a conversation from months earlier, the cardio surgeon added, "There are no more pretty pink bubbles to hide in, Arizona. This pretty pink bubble has exploded, combusted, annihilated." Teddy threw her hands up to imitate an explosion. "But … it comes back to what you really want, Arizona, what really matters to you."

Arizona turned back to the photo again. Her finger traced the outline of the peanut-shaped fetus. She'd only had it an hour and the picture was already looking dog-eared. Bed hopping was not the way she dealt with relationship break ups, but even she could acknowledge that this was a well-worn path for a heartbroken Callie. And a heartbroken Callie is something that broke her own heart. Running her thumb over the photo, she imagined she could make out the baby's features, even though the embryo was so tiny it was physically impossible to do so. In that moment, she imagined a child looking like Callie, thick black curly hair and a gorgeous smile, bouncing around their home. Wiping a solitary tear away from her face, she turned back to Teddy.

"This is what I want." Smiling now, desperate to hold back the damn tears, she nowunsuccessfully wiped under her eyes. "With Callie." Half laughing at her own tears and the realization that she finally knew this is what she wanted, she turned back again to the sonogram.

The little tiny human in this photo was real. It had a nose and a mouth and fingers. God help her, she would take Mark, if that's what it took to be part of Callie's and this baby's world.

Teddy smiled as a both sat quietly staring at the photo. "You need a hand moving the rest of your stuff back in?" Thanks to Mark, everyone in the hospital had heard about Callie's rant outside their apartment.

"No. I'm good. Thanks. Callie's coming over." More than ever, Arizona was looking forward to this night. Teddy laid a hand on her arm, looked down at the sonogram photo again, and smiled back as Arizona, too, lifted her head. "Congratulations, Mom." Jumping up and waving a cheery bye to Arizona, she went to make a final check on her patient and two fighting protégés.

Arizona sat staring at the photo for another minute. While her shoulders still felt heavy from all that had happened, she could finally see some light. Mark was tolerable. She had Callie and she was a mom. Nothing else really mattered.

le fin


End file.
